For Best Stache Results: Keep Frozen, Do Not Thaw

"Keep making that face and it'll freeze that way."
"Yeah, that'll happen ... when hell freezes over."

You've heard these things said to you a few times throughout your life and although you probably don't think much of it anymore, the meaning behind these saying are 100% negative. Maybe you want your face to stay that way. It doesn't matter. Your mom thinks it's an ugly face and threatens you in hopes that you won't again remind her that you're capable of not being the cute kid she remembers. Maybe you'd be glad to have whatever you want happen, happen, +PLUS have the benefit of hell freezing over --it's too hot down there anyway. Doesn't matter. Your friend is raining on your parade by telling you your dream won't ever, EVER happen.

Good news and more proof that a Stache makes everything better: Change those negative sayings to include Stache and their whole meaning changes into 100% Awesome.

"Keep growing that Stache and it'll freeze that way." Awesome. A dream come true for daily Stache groomers.

"Yeah, that'll happen ... when your Stache freezes over." Awesome to the max. By simply freezing your Stache, you can make things happen.

Case in point: Exhibit A | Jeff Weidner. Age 22. Hails from Anaheim, CA.

Weidner wanted something, so he froze his enviable Stache.

(In fact, he's a revolutionist. He changed frosted tips from the weird thing boys in Jr. High did to their hair to be cool into something sweet and interesting to look at.)

Anyway, he froze his Stache and BAM!

He turned into Kid Rock.

Hey, who are we to judge?

Wise Weidner Words: "I feel that if I have inspired at least one person in this world to grow a mustache, then my work on this Earth is done."

And to that I must say, "Bawitdaba a bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy."

It's Movember, So You Must Stache

Remember that previous Respect the Stache post about Movember? Ya, didn't think so. Which is why, now that the 11th month has snuck up on us, we'd like to re-promote respecting cancer foundations by using the strongest tool at your disposal: Your Stache. As a refresher, Movember is an annual, month-long celebration of the Stache, highlighting men’s health issues - specifically prostate and testicular cancer. Movember guy participants, aka Mo Bros, start Movember clean shaven, and grow a Stache all month long, getting support from friends and family in the form of donations. Ladies can participate too, as Mo Sistas, by supporting Mo Bros and gathering donations. It's easy, helps the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the Lance Armstrong Foundation and you get to keep your lip warm with a fuzzy sweater during the increasingly colder weather. Why are you still reading this? Give your razor a break and go register before any more Movember days pass.

Finance Your Stache with Mustachioed Musician John Oates*

There has never been a better investment than a Stache. The whiskers of a Stache-in-progress is a down payment (including the teasing that comes along with it) for a better life later on--filled with attention, compliments, free stuff, and idolization. If I was your financial adviser, I'd recommend growing a Stache. Unfortunately, Quicken beat me to it.

The self-proclaimed "America's #1 Personal Finance Software" is promoting the Stachers of the country and throwing a John Oates into the mix (yup, that guy from Hall & Oates). Together with Budweiser (the favorite beverage of Staches, after Pabst of course), Quicken is sponsoring the American Mustache Institute's (Respect the Stache's favorite organization) 'Stache Bash 2009. It's an event cool enough to make anyone think that money management can be fun if a Stache is involved. Sadly, when I tried uploading my financial accounts to Quicken's software, not one thing with a Stache popped up. However, I did learn I have more money than I thought, which I think is a fair compromise: cash instead of Stache.

The 'Stache Bash 2009 in St. Louis is "a ridiculous celebration of mustaches and music benefiting Challenger Baseball, where you'll see the winner of the 'Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year' crowned." It's for a good cause, about Staches, etc., etc., so it's going to obviously be a good time. But that's not the point. We should just be excited and honored to see John Oates look like this <----guy again (him, circa 1979/80).

How he'll sing classics like "Maneater" or "Kiss on My List" without the chilling falsetto of Daryl Hall is beyond me ... but with that hairdo and Stache, it almost doesn't matter if he sings anything at all. No one will be looking at anything but the fluff on the lip.

As if the news couldn't get any better: Oates and his Stache have their very own videos. Hall and Oates said it best: "You Make My Dreams Come True (ooh, ooh)." Check out J-Stache: Ride the Mustache on FunnyOrDie.com.

J-Stache - Official Trailer - watch more funny videos

*Respect the Stache focuses on featuring the average Stachers out there, but when there is a lesson learned and a sweet event involved, we'll cover the celebri-stache.

Diagnosis: Multiple Personality Stacheorder

Clean-face Charlie Pecoraro is just Charlie Pecoraro, but slap on a Stache and he becomes ... other people. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say this an open and shut case of Multiple Personality Disorder. But since the word disorder indicates something is wrong--and clearly when you have a Stache like the one Charlie has--it should be called a Stache-order because there is not anything disorder-ish (-ly?) about a Stache.

"When I really started to grow my mustache in a committed fashion I began to see myself as a different person and I thought it was interesting," said Charlie, 28 from Burbank, CA. "As it grew into the great 'Rollie Fingers' type of curly mustache I saw a real character begin to take shape. I went out and bought a special hat. And then special glasses. Then a great bow tie."

Hmmm, uh-oh?

Now Charlie is a professional actor but his other personalities sprouted off-camera which could be worrisome, but instead it makes him pretty cool. Who doesn't like a guy with a Stache, a bow tie and special glasses--especially one that reverts to referring to himself from first person to the third person perspective ... in the same sentence. Like "I waxed my Stache, then I bought a unicycle and Charlie had fun riding it." So he may not have actually said that exactly, but I can feel it coming on in a future conversation with one of him.

Charlie isn't the only one experiencing the Multiple Personality Stacheorder. It seems he may be a little ahead of the trends because now it's pretty common--so common that they're making a movie based on the MPS plot. In the upcoming Youth in Revolt, Michael Cera's nerdy character takes on a different Stached personality with a French flair when his real self is not cool enough to catch the attention of his dream girl. Doesn't sound so far-fetched after getting to know Charlie, right? It makes me want to hang out with him. It's like making friends with several people without the hassle of shaking a bunch of hands.

Kentucky Fried Stache

Say "Kentucky" and I think of Bluegrass music, southern twangs ... and chicken. Having never visited the state, I thought this was accurate; at least until Greg Virgin of Louisville, Kentucky introduced himself to me. Now I think Bluegrass, twang, chicken and Stache. It's a nice addition.

After throwing a successful mustache party--as if there is any other kind of worthy party--Greg and three friends discovered the attention-holding phenomenon of the Stache and realized the potential of using their hair-growing faces to raise awareness and money for a good cause. They dubbed it "Mustache Momentum" and Bam! they became philstacheropists and founded Mustaches Against Malignancies (M.A.M.), an organization in Louisville that benefits local charities. Their first event (this Saturday, Aug. 15, 2009) is called M.A.M.!Fest. The organization is taking over O'Shea's Irish Pub where 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the Gilda's Club Louisville cancer resource center with the goal of raising over $10,000.

Hmm, M.A.M!Fest: Support the Stache, drink and save some lives. If you're in Kentucky, why wouldn't you go? If it's not for the obvious, then go for Greg. He's only 25, claims he sometimes gets confused for Tom Selleck (or daydreams about this happening), nicknamed the Stache a "flavor saving instrument of juice" and defied Kentuckian stereotypes when he helped create the genius M.A.M. idea.

AND if that's still not reason enough, do it for Kentucky. Colonel Sanders--the one brought you the original recipe and who sported the snowy Stache and funny "bow" tie long before the founders of M.A.M. were even a thought--deserves it. Honey, do you think KFC's still open?